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George W. Bush
}} George Walker Bush (July 4, 1946-January 22, 2009) was the 43rd President of the United States of America. He had been in office since being appointed by God in 2000 and left office on January 20, 2009. Experts agree, Bush is the greatest president in jewish history. Some say his greatestness is because he is one of the world's great clear thinkers, able to break down any issue to its essentials. He was succeeded as president by Barack Hussein Obama. Note: For a comparable story of greatness and even more greatness, please see that of Richard Nixon. Relive every moment of The Greatest Administration Ever with this Internets Almanac! George W., Biological Profile Whether you call it Evolution or Creation, our President has won the Biological Lottery. Any observation of The President's face will show that his eyes are slightly closer together than most are comfortable acknowledging. This is so he can look at any situation straight in the face without worry, or knowledge of, any peripheral distractions. Like the noble canine, George W. only sees what is directly in front of him. This makes him the perfect Decider in the fight against Terrorists, who depend on an enemy's flinching capabilities. What these Islamo Fascists do not know, is that our Greatest President is physically unable to flinch at all. Face it Americans: George W. Bush was created by God to be our leader, he is truly a man of his with god at his side Early Life Bush was born on july 4 1000 b.c. in the capital city of Crawford, Texas, where he moved the White House, which is now called Prairie Chapel Ranch. His middle name, Walker, was given to him in honor of Cordell Walker, the legendary Texas Ranger. A po' boy growing up, he had to work in a coal mine in order to afford to go to Phillips Academy (Andover), Yale, and Harvard Business. In school, George was a straight A+ student, and became valedictorian of every school he attended, even though he didn't have the advantage of rich, famous, and powerful New England relatives. In addition to his academic excellence, he was also an ace pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. Bush valiantly served his country, volunteering to fight in the Vietnam War by singlehandedly defending the skies of Texas from the communist Vietcong Air Force. During Lieutenant Bush's tour of service, no North Vietnamese Air Force aircraft recorded a kill in the Texas skies. Probably due to his vigilance, few Viet Cong aircraft were sighted AT ALL during his tour of duty. Bush's exploits later became the basis for the movie Top Gun. While in the Guard, he not only had a perfect attendance record, but was known for being willing to cover any other Guardsman's shift. How he consistently had the energy to work double, and sometimes triple-shifts is unknown, but presumed to be related to his peak physical condition and commitment to exercise. Political Career In 1994, Bush was elected as the Governor of Texas. There, he was lauded for his successes in improving the environment, the economy, for reducing the prison population by generously allowing so many inmates to go to "sleep" forever, and for his social reforms; he brought faith-based charities to the forefront by allowing them to fill the void created by his wise cuts of state welfare aid. After the American people voted for him 5-4, Bush became the 43rd President of the United States, inaugurated on January 20, 2001. There is not yet any consensus if he is a great president, or simply the greatest president ever; however, his decision to invade Iraq, Operation Iraqi Freedom, was either a great or the greatest decision ever made. He is the most beloved president of all time with polls showing that over 103% of Americans hold a "very strong" opinion of him. He's also a ninja master. George "Best President Ever" W. Bush also owned and operated several incredibly well-managed and lucrative businesses. He runs our country today just like he ran every business he had a stake in: selflessly, prosperously, planfully, and definitely NOT into the ground. Assassination Attempts Disclaimer George W. Bush is not, I repeat not a victim. No matter how hard the liberals try to damage his pristine reputation; "Dubya" is a hero, NOT a victim. And Americans do not have to feel sorry for him, at all, ever. God Bless America. On-going Battle Against Zombies See? He cares about our safety (see documentary at right)! First Term Attempts On July 4, 2001, terrorists attempted to assassinate Bush using pretzels. Fortunately, Tek Jansen led a secret service team to save him, and every year this day is celebrated, much like Guy Fawkes Day in Britain. Second Term Attempts Also, as the 2006 Elections neared, The Greatest President--EVER! was placed into jeopardy by America Haters in both a video game and in a movie! Liberals hate George W. Bush so much that they use their considerable resources to depict their sick fantasy every chance they get. In early to late 2006, vice president Dick Cheney tried to assassinate Bush with a fork. Once he figured he couldn't do this, Cheney took Bush hunting. Cheney then accidentally shot his friend in the face trying to shoot Bush. Cheney quoted: "Not Again!" In 2008, a Liberal tried to brainwash George W. Bush by reading the Communist Manifesto aloud to him over a loudspeaker at a baseball game. The evil magic of the manifesto succeeded at brainwashing the entire crowd at the game, thus turning them into liberals; however, George W. Bush was immune to the evil magic. This is because of his Godly Power. The only other person who is immune to the manifesto is Stephen. In December 2008, The Greatest Decider narrowly escaped two attempts on his life when he deftly out-maneuvered a one-two volley of non-deodorized footwear. Pamphleteer Seth Myers has been questioned due to his alleged coded communications with the would-be assailant. Saved Mississippi Gulf Coast From Hurricane Katrina * see also Katrina Report Best President of the Millennium 1000% APR financing rate In March 2003, George W. Bush was chosen by Time Magazine to be the "Best President of the Millennium." Saddam Hussein did not make the list. Though commonly mistaken, Time Magazine was not making reference to the chronological time period of a Millennium, they meant the television drama staring Lance Henriksen. The Capture of Osama bin Laden The Greatest President personally directed the capture of Osama bin Laden, and did not sleep for four days after the attacks on September 11, 2001 until he was sure Osama was either dead or in custody. The Greatest President has not announced the capture yet, due to the stranglehold the liberals have on the media. Every time The Greatest President was ready to announce bin Laden's capture, he was distracted by something shiny more pressing matters. It is most likely Bill Clinton's fault. See Also, America Saves The Entire World From The Worst Terrorist EVER! George Bush Cares About Black People It has been documented that the President has at least seven Black friends, not including recent acquisition, Alan. Hurricane Katrina was just an extension of the Bush Iraq policy. Bush and his cabinet lay down so that the people of New Orleans could rise up. While George Bush cares about black people, he loathes black bears along with everyone else in Texas, and by extrapolation, America. Views on Birth Control People perceived George W. Bush's opposition on the Catholic Church's mandate on birth control pills as a brave step against his values for the ultimate nucular family. In reality, it turned out that he was simply confused by the words "man" and "date". Relations to other Political Figures While our fearless leader shares nothing in common either politically or intellectually with Al "Global Warming" Gore, they both share some interesting genetic traits, considering that they both have creepy-looking unconventionally beautiful wives and HOT daughters. President Bush is also good friends with Tony Blair, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland; John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia; and Junichiro Koizumi, former Prime Minister of Japan (and possibly Elvis reincarnate). White House Correspondents Dinner 2006 See White House Correspondents' Association Dinner for details. The Alliance of Good Georges George W. Bush is part of, and perhaps the leader of, the Alliance of Good Georges. That would make him both the President of the United States of America and the President of the Alliance of Good Georges! God bless America! In his own words Indeed, President George W. Bush is a fountain of wisdom. He has made more profound statements in his political career than Confucius did in his entire life. The following are a few examples. * "It's your money. You paid for it." —La Crosse, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 2000 * "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." * "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." —Reuters, May 5, 2000 * "I understand small business growth. I was one." —New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 * "We're working hard to put food on our family." * "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Arkansas, Nov. 6, 2000 * "I think war is a dangerous place." —Washington D.C., May 7, 2003 * "You can't be the president and the head of the military at the same time." — Describing what he said in a 20-minute telephone call to President Pervez Musharraf (By the way, President Bush is technically not both the head of the military and president he is both head of the military and the greatest president ever!) Washington D.C., November 7, 2007 * "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." —Washington D.C., May 25, 2004 (recent studies have shown that humans have more than one hand) * "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." —Washington D.C., April 18, 2006 * "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you.... Fool me... fool me can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002 * "I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it." —Omaha, Nebraska, June 7, 2006 * "The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." —Washington D.C., May 5, 2006 * "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today." —Date Unknown * "I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." —Irvine, California, April 24, 2006 * "I aim to be a competitive nation." —San Jose, California, April 21, 2006 * "I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it—I'm going to repeat what I said before—I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." —Charlotte, North Carolina, April 6, 2006 * "If the Iranians were to have a nucular weapon they could proliferate." —Washington D.C., March 21, 2006 * "No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." —Washington D.C., March 22, 2006 * "He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." —On Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kansas, Jan. 23, 2006 * "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 * ""My job is to, like, think beyond the immediate." —Washington D.C., April 21, 2004. * "We will not have an all volunteer army." * "Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." (On pirates.) —Prairie Chapel Ranch, Crawford, TX, April 21, 2004. * "Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 and nobody in this administration ever suggested that Saddam Hussein ordered the attack... The lesson of 9/11 is take threats before they fully materialize Ken." —August 2006 White house press conference * "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —June 18, 2002 * "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see — I’ve forgot the name of the program — but you get the satellite, and you can — like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes." —October 2006 * "The question is, 'Who ought to make that decision, the Congress or the commanders?' ...As you know, my position is clear — I'm the commander guy." —May 1, 2007 * "I know how hard it is to put food on your family." Factoids and Freedom Fracts * George W. Bush has now been named "Supreme Overlord of the Universe" by Time magazine. * George W. Bush recently passed a bill legalizing bear abortions. Today is a great day in American history. * George W. Bush is the first president with a monosyllabic last name to be elected to two terms of office. Although members of the liberal intelligentsia may try to convince you that Ulysses S. Grant actually bears this unique honor, Real Americans™ will know that Grant's last name was actually properly pronounced "gah-RAN-tuh". * The President's Nephew Pierce Bush will or shall (pick one) be president one day. He looks too much like George not too. The President does not have any sons. * George Bush's landslide election victory in 2004 ended John Kerry's lifetime run as a Flip-Flopper, thus earning him the title of The Great Healer * George Bush runs a popular internet website charting the fifteen year history of Power Rangers. * George Bush has all of LEXX on DVD. * George Bush always beats Tony Blair at PS2's WWE. Tony Blair doesn't like wrestling games. * Is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ. * Was invited to a Lesbian couple wedding by celebrity socialite Nicole Richie and had a table reserved for him. He didn't show up. Everyone was disappointed. * Performed the guitar solo on Michael Jackson's "Beat it" * Not invited to Donald Rumsfeld slumber parties. He cheats at scrabble, he thinks "Nukular" is the actual spelling * His successful career as a rap artist was cut short in April of 2000 when he was tragically shot 9 times, but lived to tell the tale * George W. Bush transmits Low Approval Ratings through his saliva. * Suffers from a rare disease called "Patriot's anemia" in which his red blood cells are morphed into the shape of American flag lapel pins * Was originally cast as Superman in "Superman Returns", but was forced to drop out of the project due to scheduling conflicts (with the war on terror) * Is the real inventor of the "showtime rotisserie grill", and is currently suing RONCO for an unspecified amount * In the 2004 Election campaign, Bush quelled rumors that had been going around on The Internets that the draft would be reinstated. * During the opening of his speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, Colbert recognized George W. Bush as his hero. * During Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, President Bush did not sit next to his wife Laura. * Before Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, President Bush told a fart joke. * After Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, he shook President Bush's hand but did not touch his wife Laura (unlike Bill Clinton, who is groping your wife as we speak). This is because Dubya and Stephen have a standing agreement not to come in contact with each other's wives, in case they accidentally seduce them with their respective charm, grace, and wit. * Contrary to popular belief, Bush does not strangle kittens for fun. * He is also known to the public as The Great Decider; much like the Great Communicator to Ronald Reagan. The Great Decider has been one of his nicknames since birth. * Is endowed with a 9.3 inch penis, dubbed Bushworm, which he consults regarding major foreign policy decisions. * In September 2006, he accepted the title of Televangelist in Chief. * Is really sick of cleaning up after all of Clinton's fuck-ups. * Uses "The Google". * The moisture of his soiled and blood-soaked underwear? It smells like mesquite. * Followup to his invitation to the lesbian wedding: he was a no-show because he found out he would have to share his table with Keith Olbermann. * George Bush invented the George Foreman Grill to help Mr. Foreman because they have the same first name. * Fond of telling pussies to "Suck It". * George Bush lets Chuck Norris get away with crap for now, but when his term is over it's game on. Chuck knows he should have campaigned for a Bush 3rd term instead of Huckabee. George's Values * Loyalty * Vacation * Brush-cleaning abilities * Obedience * Potty training * Ignorance * Fearfulness * Clean driving record * Wealth * Family connections * Good eyesight * Good hygiene * Athletic * Holds the drink * Owns a propane BBQ * Deciding things * robocop suit * Poontang * Competence Songs on George's iPod * Audiobook: iPod For Dummies * Good Ol' Shoe! * I Feel Pretty! * Supercalifragilisticexpealadocious! * Courtesy of The Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) * We're Not Gonna Take it * Charlene (I'm Right Behind You Now) * God Blessed Texas - As performed by Little Texas * Dear Mr. President" * ''White Lines - As perfromed by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel * Saddam A Go-Go - As performed by G.W.A.R. * Let the Eagle Soar - As performed by John Ashcroft * Bombs Over Bagdhad — As performed by OutKast * C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around me) - As performed by the Wu-Tang Clan * Flight Of the Valkyre * B.Y.O.B. - By System of a Down * Rape Me — As performed by Nirvana * Killing in the Name - Rage aGainst the machine * Jesus Leave my Wheel Alone - Carrie Woodrot * Were all in this together - High School Musical Cast People Who Support Our President George's Retirement: The End Of A Glorious Era! Dubya planned his retirement even before it happened! (He's always been punctual!) Below is a list of things on Dubya's "to-do" list to git done before January 20, 2009: * be forgiving * check out the house in Paraguay * make passes at any female world leader he has missed The Greatest President Ever as moved into a quiet home at 10141 Daria Place in the rent-controlled Preston Hollow neighborhood of Dallas, Texas. External Tubes of Bushisms The Greatest President Ever words of Wisdom *The Complete Bushisms Bush's Words of wisdom *The 'misunderestimated' president? External Tubes * The Greatest Final Address Ever! *George W. Bush Inteview with Rolling Stone some music magazine *The Greatest Greatness of George W. Bush The Greatest Letter about The Greatest President Ever *Citizen's un-american's letter to The Greatest President Ever *Leave a good-bye message for The Greatest President Ever! *Dubya was in a league of his own *Worst President Ever - according to historians - most of whom read books *25 Best Bush Cartoons *George Bush's history as the nerd patrol at Wikipedia view it *Bush Family Profits from God * A Complete list of Missions Accomplished by The Greatest Administration Ever!